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People can go on and on about why the correct answer is to outright deny the family the baptism, often out of a not-slightly self-righteous appeal to tradition, just as easily as they can go on and on about why they should absolutely baptize the dead child, often with an equally strong self-righteous sense of having the willingness to actually put living people over abstract tradition.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s probably not theoretically easier. So why then do we spend so much time debating this case? My guess is because getting a clear and definitive answer that fits into the either/or thinking is actually the easier way out. What if we stepped back and did the deeper pastoral and theological work of reflecting on whether the family is actually seeking a baptism? Most of the time, their longing stems from wanting to know that their baby is welcomed into the household of God, and they want to mark this moment with some words and prayers that are familiar and ceremonial. We could spend this whole article outlying the theological and practical implications of both options, but what if the problem is accepting the dilemma in the first place? In some ways, we want to accept the either/or framing of the question because it’s easier than doing the harder, deeper reflective work that flows both from pastoral considerations and theology rather than seeing them at odds with each other.

Do you do the baptism, understanding the fact that you cannot actually baptize a dead person and this act could potentially harm the Church’s historic witness about what baptism actually is? Or do you deny the request for a baptism, risking a pastoral response that would be not only less than helpful, but likely deepen the spiritual harm to an already hurt and grieving family? You’ve debated it among friends and colleagues-in fact, the dilemma is so common it’s almost become a Clinical Pastoral Education cliché. If you’ve done any kind of ministerial training, you’ve more than likely already imagined yourself in this situation. New parents, gathered with other close family members, have just learned that their baby has died. Overcome by grief, the parents desperately, and tearfully, are asking for a baptism because they have a sense that this is necessary to make sure their child, gone far too early, will be taken care of in the next life. Imagine yourself in a hospital room in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit).